Green Paneer and Ham

There are two types of people currently in the Institute, Indian,  of Tecknowledgy Madras - the morons and the imbeciles.

The morons chose to dine in the RR Food Court for the whole sem, a place notorious for long wait times and missed breakfasts. I'll admit, there is the allure of ice-creams, fruit juice, and butter chicken, so I'll have to put them in the smart morons category.

The imbeciles, on the other hand, put their faith in the belief that the new caterer in the mess is capable of serving edible food, if only for the first two semesters. Which is why they should be further classified as the bulbing imbeciles.

The point of this discussion, of course, is none other than the brand new caterer in our mess - A Diet Express (ADE).  As tempted as I am to give this a better-fitting acronym, sadly, I can find none. This truly is a mess that will force you to diet. Of course, to balance out our choices, the CCW has taken the privilege of giving all other caterers the boot/pink slip/the old heave-ho/involuntary separation from employer/you get the idea. In effect, ADE now has complete monopoly over the thriving mess business. Thriving in bacteria, that is.

But I think I may be giving A Diet a bit too much criticism. It seems logical to admit that, for the first few weeks, they will have some trouble getting used to the insti way of grub production. To be perfectly fair, about 25% of the dishes they serve actually are edible.

Nevertheless, I do have to strongly object to their chapattis. Or naan. Or pulkas, or any of their other wheat products. Frankly, they're just pieces of rubber.

Still, that's precisely what I find so appealing about these rotis. Being an mad scientist at heart, I took it upon myself to commercialize a few alternate uses for these abominable attas. The more promising attempts have been listed as below:

• Camping Essentials : For all those wilderness lovers out there, ever found yourself shivering in the dark at night in a cold, deserted forest? Well then, simply carry around a few A DietTM Chapattis with you next time. Find a nice bundle of dry leaves, hold one A DietTM Chapatti in each hand, and strike them together to produce a fire.
• Worrisome Velcro : I'd been wondering how to attach those old mosquito nets to my windows. The answer? Attach a bunch of A DietTM Chapattis around the rim of the frame. Guaranteed instant adhesive.
• A Bounce in Your Step : The next time you find a tear or two in your leather workshop shoes or studs, use an A DietTM Chapatti! Not only does it mend the patch, it also puts a spring in your step for the next few days, till it goes stale.
• Winter Wonderland : Has ice-skating always been a passion for you? Well then, attach one of our custom-made Chappas to the bottom of your soles, and watch yourself glide over the roughest of terrain. Guaranteed to maintain its frictionless, non-tear surface, even against the strongest abrasives.
• Secret Service : Sometimes, you do stupid things, and end up getting a hit posted on you. No worries, though. Wear a sheet of A DietTM Chapattis under your shirt. Stronger than Kevlar, lighter than mythril, and not half as expensive.
• Military Warfare : Those standard-issue army knives are a thing of the past. When next thou finds't theeself in a dogfight, melee with an A DietTM Chappati. It'll choke your enemy within a good 3 seconds.

I believe they've taken to the IIT spirit of making functional, versatile, but aesthetically lacking products. Though the one exception was that weirdly tangy dish the other day, which had a new species of fluroscent green paneer.

My explanation? They want to track the flow of grub in our gut with radium-irradiated food. Which leads me to the conclusion that the ones behind all this are probably the biotechs. Damn those lemonADE loving lemon-partyists.