Important : Resolutions and all that.

When leaving a friend's place one must always remember to sign OUT of his/her computer. Otherwise terrible consequences follow.
On the other hand, this might not be a good resolution to take for 2011, as it provides said friends with much sadistic slapstick humour.
And , after all, my aim in life is to be of entertainment to those around me, no matter at what cost to selfish egoistitude. (Word. Fact. Let it Be.)
Ego? Heck, I don't give a crow's fart about ego. (Mainly because crows don't fart. They rumble maybe, but I have NEVER heard a crow fart and if you are able to prove me wrong, I'll give you a THOUSAND, no 2 THOUSAND, no, A GAZILLION MILLION THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!!! - that's how generous I am-.)
Where...? Oh, yeah, the crow's fart. Yeah, well, I don't give a crow's fart about ego because I'm anti-ego. I'm selfless. I'm against megalomania and all that stuff. Heck, I have no idea what it means, seeing as how there is no room for the 'me' psyche in the new...erm...myself.
In fact, if people are going to go about laughing at the grass/weeds/whatever-you-will atop my (apparently) fertile,soft skull, I wouldn't mind. Infact, I'd laugh right along and bring along a few mirrors for the folks at the back. This, you see is the new myself.
Thank you.

Season's Greetings

Jingle bells, I fortell,

That zombies you shall meet.

To run or fight or break their ranks,

Of foot be a little fleet.

Hey!

March of the Red Pants Brigade

Six rabbits walking side by side,

Chests high, hearts full of pride,

Jackets, filled to the brim inside,

With carbines and Uzis, and some cyanide.

To stick to the schedule they take the train,

The hour-long journey - always a pain,

Soon will they start this unholy campaign,

As one breaks out in brassy refrain:

"Six rabbits are we, out after glory,

Looking out to make our very own story,

A half dozen recruits, all white and fluffy,

To show the world a memento mori."

Now did they arrive at a station gigantic,

Pedestrians aloof, bustling frantic,

Rabbit One announced, "Listen up fellow manics,

For 'tis time to set up a panic!"

The jackets were thrown, the weapons brandished,

The air was set afire with bullets lavished,

Rabbit Two calls out to those visibly anguished,

"All hear, thee knaves! We declare thee vanquished!"

Now for R Four's chance to speak,

"Us rabbits you may think us lowly and weak,

Cuddly and cute, lacking physique,

But you have wronged us this last time, you sneaks!

For we refuse to eat any more of that disgusting leek!"

Hostages were rounded into a herd,

Of the men present, they chose roughly a third,

The rest, their protests to long cuddly ears unheard,

Silenced in a  quiet spot, and fed to the birds.

For the surviving victims, they had other plans,

All made to wear some ghastly red pants,

Stuffed in the nearby call-taxi minivans,

Fastrack never had such a large collection of fans.

Shipped off to the TV station, where R Six had gone ahead,

And neutralized any opposition by feeding them lead,

Shoved into the studio, where the news was being read,

"Showcase these embarrassments to the world!", he said.

The Six O'clock news that day was quite scary,

An entire nation, aghast at such fashion so dreary,

For each, in his own blood red ferrari,

Was a sight to see. Oh! How eerie!

Finally did number Five, as leader of the troupe,

Speak out on national telly, with a big whoop,

"Fear us, puny humans. We set up this coup,

And can take you all out with one fell swoop."

His bloodshot eyes raced across the screen as he continued on,

"Now you shall listen you us, all you hell spawn.

For years have we faced humiliation and defeat.

Are we meant to be cuddled? I think not, you pieces of meat!"

"Now be wary of us, we have the ultimate weapon,

These red pants, the devils do they beckon.

The source of your power is fashion, we reckon

With threat of these pants, your loyalties you will question."

"So submit to our will, we won't put you in a cage,

Like you did to us, we're much more like a sage,

Though opposing our faction will earn you our rage…"

That's when the SWAT team broke into the stage.

For the next ten minutes, on live TV was shown,

A gruesome firefight, the likes never known,

Smoke from all sides, as the usurpers lost their newfound throne,

A cuddly white rabbit corpse, across the screen was blown.

A week later, in the President's official address,

"Fear not, my people. The issue has been regressed,

The rabbits are now honored citizens, made into the noblesse,

But I'd caution you to watch out when you next see them nevertheless."

A Lost Ride

The winds blow high,

And sweep our bleak, deserted stations dry.

An ancient ritual has begun,

A forbidden taboo not to be sung,

For upon a moonlit plain there lies,

A lone cycle, as I raise a bitter cry.

Twice now, as I have gazed,

My cycle, leaving me utterly fazed,

Has left be behind, and yet again,

I have to question what is preordained.

A year past, this had happened once,

A feeble lock, weak to the pounce,

Gave way to the Lurker, waiting in the shadows,

Dragged off to Neverland, I let loose my arrows.

Upon borrowed cycle, I queried the streets,

High and low, finally in bitter defeat.

But lo! For there it was!

Outside sinister Tapti. An early  gift from Clause.

Now a rerun, I tire of this, whereupon,

Yet again have I run the marathon.

Now I give, for history does not repeat,

Again will I find it? My luck is deplete.

So I turn to you now, help me out here a little?

Keep your eyes open, and answer my riddle -

For what Red has two wheels, a rusted bell,

An Axn Dx, with "Turbodrive" pommell?

Branded upon it side, my name,

Anoop V, in faded letters of fame,

A number to further open the door:

NA09B004.

Find it you must, my legs plead,

For a kilometre they cannot, so godspeed,

Treats in plenty I will put,

So get out there, the race is afoot!

A Moment's paradise

Study I must,

For a Quiz approaches,

Baring its fangs,

Oh! The molasses!

Impromptu answers,

And arbit guesswork,

Saved me last time. Now,

I fear, twice it will not work.

Aiming in the dark

And taking blind shots.

Oh Joy! I've found,

A book of reference of sorts!

Now I can pass!

If only I had,

The determination to read,

More than one page, so sad.

The sandman draws near,

My head feels like lead,

I now see the light,

Paradise ahead!

Awake, and I find,

Verses of wit beyond compare,

So now I write this ode,

To waste more time. So there!

The Enlightened State

    The world is a confusing place. This is not a world for the meek or gentle. Lets face it, telling the truth is never a good idea. Giving up a seat on the train for a poor old grandma will not actually guarantee you salvation. It will only lead to pain and humiliation in the end. For their whole life, these kinds of people will simply experience the horrors of having their face forcibly flushed down the toilet, having their lingerie yanked out from behind, or of never having quite enough lunch money.

    Nor is it a world for the poor or portly. In this world, you need to have enough dough to tide you through the hard times; which, as much as we may tell ourselves otherwise, will fundamentally be our whole life. And let's not forget the number one rule of survival - Cardio. When the zombie epidemic breaks out, you'll need to be in shape to outrun those ugly freaks. 

    I have spent several weeks in quiet Contemplation and serene Deep Thought under the expansive canopy of the great Compaq Tree, and have realized and understood the fundamental concept - the truth, as it were - behind my current existence. The concept is, quite simply, that I am not growing this hair; indeed not, for the hair is growing me.

    At first, I was quite hesitant to acknowledge such a twisted, yet deceptively simple truth. Yet as I thought upon it, I realized that if I took it as a central axiom, it would lead to the unravelling of mountains upon mountains of other, not so obvious deceptions that we have been plagued with since the beginning of time. Even with my relative ineptitude in solving our weekly math tutorials, I was still able to formulate an expansive matrix of differential equations (hereby referred to as the Quirk Matrix), which has led me to the following conclusions and notes:

• The earth is not a sphere, or even geoid. Look carefully, and you'll notice that you're not standing on a ball. Instead, we happen to be inhabiting a giant rotating coffee mug.  Yes, that’s right, a coffee mug. Don't look at me like that. It's true! 

• We are all governed over by an omniscient, semi-all-powerful entity who secretly decides our fate with random lotteries, and he takes the form of a weird old sadistic hippie named Clotholachesis Atropos. He likes to experiment on us in order to get data for his slightly large doctorate thesis on Human and Great Ape Psychology, which he's currently doing in the University of North Carolina.

• Every time a picture is taken of you on a camera, a tiny part of your soul is transferred onto the image. As the soul is an imperfect entity that causes you to be unique, as more of it is taken away, the more perfect you become as a human being. Of course, soul-size is also proportional to mental capacity. This is why so many celebrities end up going crazy early on in life.

• People seem to be mistakenly thinking that we evolved from the apes. That’s a lie, if ever there was one. We just suddenly appeared in a puff of smoke, and all those weird similarities in bone structure and DNA between us and the rest of the animals are just meant to confound us and stop us from finding out about the Truth.

• I have some shocking news about Ni-MH batteries. Contrary to current belief, continuous use of such potential hazards causes the generation of sub-sonic hailstorms on Titan, and is the primary reason for obesity in South-Antarctican emperor penguins ( the secondary reason being the onset of the Ice Age).  Store owners also charge you electric amounts for each, further adding to their heinous evilness.

• Eating cake is good for the body. Not only does it add Omega-4 fatty acids that improve your mental powers, but it also detoxifies your body by absorbing all impurities into its spongy mass. This is especially true of sinful, rich chocolate cake      and brownies served with ice-cream. A side-equation I have not had the time to solve yet seems to hint at dipping the cake in concentrated sulfuric acid to increase the tang. The equation itself is quite complicated, so rather than solve it, I shall be field testing it on a few acquaintances.

• This little corollary is just a little note for all those sophisticated ladies out there - if you had any sense, you would not be expecting a guy to compliment you. When wearing a beautiful new dress and meeting a guy, if he comments lucidly about the wonderful hues or how those earrings bring out your eyes, keep in mind that this guy is just another player, and that his mind is probably filled with some very lucid fantasies involving you. Someone who is truly taken aback by your beauty will simply be awestruck and lost for words. He will be too shy to speak to this goddess, and so will simply avoid speaking on this topic. For some reason, I've noticed that most girls take it the opposite way, and get angry when their escorts apparently don't notice their new hairdo. Sheesh. Women! Go figure.

      Upto this point in time, this is how far I have come with translating my Quirk Matrix. Further enlightenment will take more time and effort, and so I am now hiring more manpower. 

Disclaimer

    

    All articles published here are purely fictional and based on the author's deranged imagination. Any and all relations to any persons and/or copyrighted names are probably true, but just pretend they're not. Also, I will flatly deny all charges of plagiarism.

   If you suffer from heart disease, are pregnant, or are below a height of 176 cm. from sea-level, please do not read these articles. They are likely to cause strokes or suicidal tendencies, and any abnormal symptoms should be immediately treated with a dose of morphine.

    Also, the author  will not take responsibility for any cases of readers being taken away in straightjackets. In case of such a discrepancy, please ask to be lodged in Arkham, where the author is currently taking residence.