The Enlightened State

    The world is a confusing place. This is not a world for the meek or gentle. Lets face it, telling the truth is never a good idea. Giving up a seat on the train for a poor old grandma will not actually guarantee you salvation. It will only lead to pain and humiliation in the end. For their whole life, these kinds of people will simply experience the horrors of having their face forcibly flushed down the toilet, having their lingerie yanked out from behind, or of never having quite enough lunch money.

    Nor is it a world for the poor or portly. In this world, you need to have enough dough to tide you through the hard times; which, as much as we may tell ourselves otherwise, will fundamentally be our whole life. And let's not forget the number one rule of survival - Cardio. When the zombie epidemic breaks out, you'll need to be in shape to outrun those ugly freaks. 

    I have spent several weeks in quiet Contemplation and serene Deep Thought under the expansive canopy of the great Compaq Tree, and have realized and understood the fundamental concept - the truth, as it were - behind my current existence. The concept is, quite simply, that I am not growing this hair; indeed not, for the hair is growing me.

    At first, I was quite hesitant to acknowledge such a twisted, yet deceptively simple truth. Yet as I thought upon it, I realized that if I took it as a central axiom, it would lead to the unravelling of mountains upon mountains of other, not so obvious deceptions that we have been plagued with since the beginning of time. Even with my relative ineptitude in solving our weekly math tutorials, I was still able to formulate an expansive matrix of differential equations (hereby referred to as the Quirk Matrix), which has led me to the following conclusions and notes:

• The earth is not a sphere, or even geoid. Look carefully, and you'll notice that you're not standing on a ball. Instead, we happen to be inhabiting a giant rotating coffee mug.  Yes, that’s right, a coffee mug. Don't look at me like that. It's true! 

• We are all governed over by an omniscient, semi-all-powerful entity who secretly decides our fate with random lotteries, and he takes the form of a weird old sadistic hippie named Clotholachesis Atropos. He likes to experiment on us in order to get data for his slightly large doctorate thesis on Human and Great Ape Psychology, which he's currently doing in the University of North Carolina.

• Every time a picture is taken of you on a camera, a tiny part of your soul is transferred onto the image. As the soul is an imperfect entity that causes you to be unique, as more of it is taken away, the more perfect you become as a human being. Of course, soul-size is also proportional to mental capacity. This is why so many celebrities end up going crazy early on in life.

• People seem to be mistakenly thinking that we evolved from the apes. That’s a lie, if ever there was one. We just suddenly appeared in a puff of smoke, and all those weird similarities in bone structure and DNA between us and the rest of the animals are just meant to confound us and stop us from finding out about the Truth.

• I have some shocking news about Ni-MH batteries. Contrary to current belief, continuous use of such potential hazards causes the generation of sub-sonic hailstorms on Titan, and is the primary reason for obesity in South-Antarctican emperor penguins ( the secondary reason being the onset of the Ice Age).  Store owners also charge you electric amounts for each, further adding to their heinous evilness.

• Eating cake is good for the body. Not only does it add Omega-4 fatty acids that improve your mental powers, but it also detoxifies your body by absorbing all impurities into its spongy mass. This is especially true of sinful, rich chocolate cake      and brownies served with ice-cream. A side-equation I have not had the time to solve yet seems to hint at dipping the cake in concentrated sulfuric acid to increase the tang. The equation itself is quite complicated, so rather than solve it, I shall be field testing it on a few acquaintances.

• This little corollary is just a little note for all those sophisticated ladies out there - if you had any sense, you would not be expecting a guy to compliment you. When wearing a beautiful new dress and meeting a guy, if he comments lucidly about the wonderful hues or how those earrings bring out your eyes, keep in mind that this guy is just another player, and that his mind is probably filled with some very lucid fantasies involving you. Someone who is truly taken aback by your beauty will simply be awestruck and lost for words. He will be too shy to speak to this goddess, and so will simply avoid speaking on this topic. For some reason, I've noticed that most girls take it the opposite way, and get angry when their escorts apparently don't notice their new hairdo. Sheesh. Women! Go figure.

      Upto this point in time, this is how far I have come with translating my Quirk Matrix. Further enlightenment will take more time and effort, and so I am now hiring more manpower.